Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in alexthegreater's LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 22nd, 2008
10:13 am	OK, normally I am loathe to even discuss the website cracked.com as about 99.99% of the stuff on it is total crap, but this list is actually pretty amazing: it's 7 really, really "bad-ass" photos and videos. And when they say bad-ass, they really mean it. Seriously, one of them is of a lion riding a horse. I don't mean a drawing of a lion riding a horse, I mean a circus act, in which a fully grown adult male African lion, rides a horse. Think about that for a second. That would be the most awesome cavalry of all time. Lances and plate mail ain't got nothing compared to that. Check this craziness out. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
5:45 pm	So, about a month ago I purchased a bread machine, specifically a Sunbeam 5891 off of amazon.com. This thing is freaking amazing. All I have to do is dump some flour and other ingredients into it, and 3 hours later I have delicious fresh bread. There is no real labor involved, and it makes the apartment smell great. It's probably one of the best purchases I have made in quite a while. I've completely stopped buying bread from stores, I just make it all at home. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
4:38 pm	OK, so I haven't updated this thing in about, oh, nine months or so. I suppose that is a teensy bit too much time between updates. Well, what can I say as an excuse? I've been busy? While true this is pretty flimsy. I guess I just haven't been spending much time in front of the computer this past three-quarters of a year. Quite a bit has been going on, that's for sure. A lot has changed over the past year; a lot of who I am has changed as well. I've become a good deal more sociable (hence the lack of time behind the computer screen), more laid back, and much, much happier. I'm approaching a point of my life where all the bumps and potholes have been smoothed out, and I'm ready to start cruising along, living rather than worrying. I feel that I'm finally an adult, and I don't want to be tethered to a university anymore, I don't want to be a student anymore. I'm not saying I don't want to stop learning, just that I'm ready to do it on my own terms. Hell, when I first came to Tallahassee, the first whole year I was up here, I did really well in classes, wrote great papers, but I was miserable. The previous year of working at coastal had really done more harm to me than I understood at the time. I had a terribly difficult time socializing, and I felt very alienated and cut off from those around me (note to self: in future do not accept job working graveyard shift at insane asylum). I had a few friends here, but not many; I was terribly depressed. Perhaps that's why Story's dumping of me wounded me so deeply. I didn't have very much, and the more she drifted away the tighter I clung, desperate for that human connection, unhealthy as it was. Anyway, The past year has been completely, totally different. I'm happy now, I really am; happier than I've ever been before in my life. I have a pretty good job, I've got plenty of friends, I will soon have my master's degree. But, there's something (more correctly a someone) a tad more important than those factors that is the cause for my current, ridiculously happy, situation: Maria. It's difficult for me to even put to words how I feel about her. It's as if what I thought was love before was just this pale shadow of the feelings I have for her. I don't really care that much about anything else except being with her, and seeing her smile. Hell, I just look at her and smile, and to see her smile back makes everything right in the world. And I'm going to get to spend the rest of my life with her, because a few days ago I proposed to her and she said yes. That's right, Maria and I are engaged. Woo! We both knew it was going to happen, hell, I wanted to ask her for months now. I wanted to have something all romantic planned out, with candles, and sunsets and waves breaking on the beach. But all those plans were discarded, because I had to tell her how I felt at that very moment, that she makes me happier than I have ever felt before, that I wanted to share the rest of my life with her. And she said Yes. So yeah, things are going pretty well for me. Sorry about the absence from Live Journal, I'll try to be timelier in the future and all. But then again, things have been rather busy and all. (26 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 25th, 2007
9:05 pm	The past week has been insanely busy. Over the course of the past 9 days, I have driven over 1,500 miles. That's half an oil change right there, and god knows how much gas. But, I have to say it was worth it. I had a ton of fun at Mary Jo and Lance's wedding. It was just great to see so many of the old gang again at the wedding (plus, later in the week I got to see Simone over at Matt's place), though it was a shame that Lexa couldn't make it. The food was really good, especially the wedding cake. And the music, with a Beatles cover band, was just awesome. And just sitting out on the beach at night, listening to the crashing of the waves, well, that was just spiffy. The rest of the break went well enough. I dropped Maria off at her parent's house and got to meet her family. They are interesting people, and quite fun. Crazily enough, they are really fond of Settlers of Catan, having been introduced to it via Maria, who learned about it from me (and I learned about it from my friend Sam). Hopefully I will get a chance to play a game with them in the future and show off my crazy-man Catan Skillz, or something like that. But, things at home were a little crazy. It seems that Mark has continued his downward slide into hermitude. My mom and I spent the whole day cooking for thanksgiving dinner, and he didn't even sit down at the table for it. He just got some food on his plate and went into his room to play more WoW. *sigh* It just makes me angry how much he disrespects her, but I don't really know what to do about it. Oh well. It was nice to spend some time with Travis and Nick and that crowd. Though we didn't get to see Beowulf, due to the theater being flooded (and by that I don't mean metaphorically flooded with people, but literally flooded with water), instead we played Rockband, which is really fun (as long as you don't have me on karaoke). But, each time I go home, everything is tinged with sadness. My mom is lonely, my brother is a shell of a human being, and now the friends I have in the area may finally be scattering to the winds. Everyone use to hang out at Brain's house, but after a serious accident, Brian and Rebbecca are leaving the state, and that may lead to the collapse of the circle. There's less and less for me in south Florida, and with each visit I feel the home that I once had is slowly fading away. Each time I visit the echoes become more distant. Travis is planning to leave the area, and once he does, well that's going to be a heavy blow. Looking back on the past year, I realize that I'm doing a lot better than a few months ago. Last year was pretty bad for me. The year started out so well, but by the end I was really depressed and when Story dumped me it just pushed me over the edge. The summer was rough for me as well, what with the car accident and other things. So far things are going a lot better. I know more people, I'm getting out more, I'm simply doing more stuff with my life. A bit part of all that right now is Maria, and I'm really very glad that she and I have decided to try and pursue a relationship. I really like her. But even with this, I still feel things are lacking; I feel happy often, but when I'm alone I get depressed. It's odd, even with people around me, even after seeing lots of my friends this week, I still feel alone lots of the time. But, I'm feeling better than before. I just need to figure out what to do after FSU is over with. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
8:04 pm	So, once again I stopped updating this thing, sorry about not responding to your replies, but I got sorta carried away the last couple of weeks. Things have been insanely busy. Anyway, a lot of you asked about my music tastes so that you could recommend new bands. Unfortunately, I tend to have very eclectic musical tastes, so it's hard for me to pin down any specific genre that I really like. I can eliminate rap and country music right off the bad though, never liked that stuff. But besides that, everything else is open. Rock, metal, classical, electronic, industrial, silly, world, pop, really everything is open. The thing is, I just haven't really added anything to my tastes in the past 5 years or so, so I'm not familiar at all with any newer stuff. If I did have to lean to one type of music, I would say more electronic / gothy kind of stuff, like say VNV Nation. More along that line would be great. But, I'm really open to anything. So, hit me with what you've got. Also, thanks for the Soulseek suggestion, it has been working out well so far. Also also, tomorrow I will post an update about MJ's wedding and all of that craziness I alluded to earlier Tomorrow I will give the details, but as for the short of it - the wedding was really, really fun. Now I'm off to see Beowulf; even if it's terrible, it has naked sword fighting, so it can't be that bad. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007
7:31 pm	OK, this post is a bit of a request. You see, I'm somewhat growing tired of the music I've been listening to lately, and I've been itching to hear something new. However, I'm not quite sure what's out there, so I was hoping that you, my loyal readers, might suggest some bands that I should check out. I'm also looking for a new filesharing program. Torrents are good and all, but I can't seem to track down that much non-mainstream music just using the piratebay. Are they any good filesharing programs still out there? (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 12th, 2007
7:01 pm	Man, again I forget to update this thing. Time just keeps on slipping by and when I check back, three weeks or so have come and gone. But, it's been busy times. I visited some new friends I made in Jacksonville, and that was pretty cool, but I'm going to be skimpy on the details for reasons that I would be skimped out on. Sorry, but I gotta keep some cards close to my chest. It was fun though. The week after that I visited Matt in Orlando. It was really great, as I got to see Joel, a friend of mine from High School who I have not seen in several years (you may remember him as he visited New College for a weekend during 3rd year). He's a really great guy, and I wish I had more time to spend with him. Luke was there as well, and we hung out with some of Matt's friends so it was a pretty busy weekend in all. We went to the pre-release tournament for Lorwyn, the new Magic set. I...didn't do to well. Matt made out like a bandit though, winning a ton of free packs. The next day we went to Islands of Adventure thanks to some generous free tickets from Luke. Much merriment was had by all...well, except for Luke who got a really bad headache, which totally sucks, especially considering he was supplying the tickets. After that, well, things up here in Tally have been bustling as well. I've been spending a bit of time hiking in the woods out here. There's a lot of really nice parks and trails in this area, and I didn't take advantage of them last year, so I'm trying to make up for it. I just love taking a long walk into the wilderness and letting the natural world swallow me up. It's odd really, this year I've been feeling a lot better than last, a lot less depressed. I've been trying, trying to get out more, trying to meet new people, and I really feel that I have been pretty successful so far. I've made some new friends, I'm a lot busier socially, a lot more hopeful about the future. I still feel like I'm lacking something, and I think I know what it is - community. I don't feel like I'm a part of some sort of cohesive social group that's all around me. Oh, sure I have friends and all, but I want more than that, I want to feel like I belong somewhere. New College did that for me once, FSU does not do that for me now. I do have some other good news though, something that has made things a little more interesting. I met a girl - or rather, I met someone who I already knew all over again. Her name is Maria, and she and I have been friends for over a year. We met pretty early last year, but back then I was with Story, and back then Maria was a different person to me. Story and I broke up, but that wasn't what made me interested in Maria. Instead, what happened is that I read her LiveJournal. Inside those pages I discovered a whole different person than the one I though I knew. And so I tried to get to know this other Maria, the one on the inside, and well, I liked what I found. Well, I suppose that's enough for now. I will try and make another post tomorrow, with some more about Maria as well as some stuff about Maryjo's wedding and the upcoming plans. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 15th, 2007
3:26 pm	So, I found out that you can play scrabble through Facebook. Everybody should play. I started games up with lots of people on my friends list, so just let the application hook up to your Facebook account and then you can get started. It's really very nice, since each person can just play one turn at a time, so it's very flexible. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 3rd, 2007
9:08 pm	Alex updating? That's unpossible! It's amazing how quickly it seems that time slips by when you look back at it's wake. It's been a while since I've updated this thing - it always seems to keep drifting away like that. Well, in any case, a good deal has happened since I last posted. I'm back in Tallahassee now, back at FSU for another year of school. I don't really much know if I care all that much about it anymore, but I suppose it's something to do that I don't hate. So far, this year is going a bit better than the last. At least my housing situation is much more comfortable. I'm living in an off-campus apartment with Jon as one of my roommates. Not only is this place much nicer structurally, much roomier, no longer resembles a soviet prison, etc, it also means I am no longer living with Zombor. *shudder* Man, was that guy creepy. This place even ends up being the same price (after utilities) as living in the on-campus apartments, so it's a much better set-up overall. Classes-wise, right now I'm taking American Civil War (with Jim Jones as professor: this guy is an incredibly good lecturer, makes the class turn into super-informative-story time). I'm also taking a course on how to teach history, but we haven't done too much yet so I can't really comment on it. I'm doing a one-on-one reading seminar with Professor Stoltzfus, so that I can increase my breadth of knowledge when it comes to modern Europe. I just have to read a ton of books and write about them, nothing too hard there. Finally, I have a few hours each week in the World War 2 Institute, an archive on campus that collects all sorts of personal accounts about the war. Now this one looks like it will be a ton of fun. I also have 17 hours a week in the computer lab, but it's fairly easy stuff, and if I don't have many interruptions on a given day, a chance to get some reading done. So, overall my course load is looking pretty good. I've been trying to get out a bit more recently, been trying to meet new people and all. I think it's going rather well. I spent the weekend hanging out with Jason and Sara, two people I recently met online. It was a lot of fun, and I hope to do so again soon. Oh yes, and I did decide on a name for the car: I went with Shrike, as it is also a designation for an American naval WW2 dive bomber, so it would have been colored blue. Also, Shrike sounds cool. Well, I suppose that's enough for now. Maybe I will write up another update in a few days with some more of my goings-on. For now, I have to get back to my reading. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 29th, 2007
3:33 pm	Well then, it's been a crazy couple of weeks here in South Florida. Sadly, Warspite, my trusty civic, is no more. He rests now in the big scrap heap of the sky. Though he was able to soldier on after the accident, the damage he sustained in the attack was too great to bare and he was scuttled. But out of all this darkness, there was a spot of brightness. I had kept Warspite in great, like-new condition up the accident. No stains, scratches, no damage or wear anywhere. Because of this I got a rather nice check from my insurance company, enough to cover the majority of a new car. I spent the past couple of weeks shopping around, and ultimately settled on...another civic. Crazy, I know, but there is simply nothing else that matches it out there. Cheaper cars end up costing the same because of worse fuel efficiency, higher maintenance costs, and worse insurance, while more expensive cars don't add anything worthwhile to me. So, I am now the owner of a new, 2007 Honda Civic LX. It's purdy. Got lots of nice features and tons of safety stuff, and it's only slightly more expensive than my old one. Plus, the engine is a lot stronger, but even more fuel efficient. And, the redesign make it look a lot sleeker. I got it at a great price too, by playing two dealerships off one another and griding down the price to below invoice. But, there is a bit of a problem. See, Warspite was named such because the coloration resembled battleship gray, but this new car is "Atomic Blue." It's a very nice color, but not becomming of a ship of war. So, what am I supposed to name the thing? Any suggestions? (28 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 7th, 2007
6:01 pm	The past week or so has been pretty busy. With my job, working out, and socializing, I haven't had that much downtime. But, it looks like i might have a bit more of that coming to me in the next couple of days. Last night I was planning on going out to a club in Ft.Lauderdale. I had met some new, interesting people online and they invited me to check out the place. It sounded pretty cool and I was really looking forward to it. I got all dressed up and headed out onto the road; I didn't make it to the club. Some idiot that was pulled onto the shoulder of the highway tried to merge back into traffic without looking behind him or getting up to speed first. Now, since he was going about 10 miles per hour, and the speed limit was 70, this caused a bit of a problem. The person he swerved in front of had to slam on their breaks, and I had to do the same. But my car didn't stop before slamming into the car in front of me. Yeah, looks like Warspite now has some battle scars. And by scars I mean the front-end is completely crushed. It looks like I got off pretty lightly myself. My right wrist got burned and cut-up a bit by the airbag, my chest got bruised by the seat-belt/airbag, and I got a little bump on the head, but otherwise I seem to be fine. With some luck I should be good as new in a few days. I did manage get one stroke of luck already though. You see, that first driver was pulled over because he had been in a prior accident! The cop who responded to that one was still there, and he witnessed the whole incident, which is great for me. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, there was nothing else I could have done besides break as hard as I could. If I had tried to change lanes I probably would have hit someone else, or they would have hit me. So, I just had to ride it out. The cop put 100% of the blame for the accident on the first guy, and issued him a ticket as well. So, I should be in the clear insurance wise. Hopefully everything will work out in the end. (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 2nd, 2007
10:54 pm	Yesterday or so I finished reading The Name of the Rose. It's a very interesting novel, you see, it's a murder-mystery set in a 14th century Italian monastery. A visiting British monk, who combines the qualities of William of Occam and Sherlock Holmes, sets about trying to discover who is committing the murders. Meanwhile, a council is meeting at the monastery to discuss whether or not Jesus owned the rags that he wore. Now, this sounds completely pointless, but if Jesus did own his rags, then it means that the church can legitimately own property, and then this has ramifications on the geopolitical balance between France and the Holy Roman Empire. This, of course, gets tied into the murders. It's all really quite fascinating. The author, Umberto Eco, was a medieval historian who specialized in studying manuscripts and monasteries, so the book does a really excellent job displaying the monastic way of life as well as giving the reader a view into the medieval mindset. Nifty stuff. They made a movie of it a few years back starring Sean Connery and Christian Slater. It's...not as good as the book. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 24th, 2007
8:47 pm	Well, once again I haven't updated thing thing in quite a while, not since I got back to the states. So far the Summer is going OK. I have a job at least, though its only part-time. They needed some office help at the athletic club my mom works at, and since I worked there years ago and knew how to do everything, they hired me for the summer. The work itself is pretty boring, but it's easy and the pay is pretty good for part time work. I've also started working out routinely, about 5 days a week or so, though only 3 of those are weightlifting. I'm also trying to eat more and I'm even seeing a personal trainer once a week to help me get started. It's going well, though I still feel goofy when I am doing it. At least it helps me feel a little bit better about myself. Last weekend I visited Richard in Key West, and that was pretty nifty. We spent a lot of time biking around the island, going to the beaches, eating, and going out at night. It was a fun time. I had only been to the Keys once before, and that was many years ago, so it was really nice to see the islands. Plus, it was great hanging out with Richard. But even though things seem like they are going well, I'm feeling pretty down. Some days are OK, but on others I feel really depressed. I'm still not fully over what happened between Story and myself, but that's only half of the picture. I just don't know what I am doing anymore. In a few months I will be finished up with grad school, but that does not thrill me at all. Hell, at some point I stopped caring about my studies at all and now all I want is that piece of paper so that the last year and a half of my life wasn't a total waste. And when I am done with school, what then? Where will I go? I have no idea. It feels just like when I was graduating from New College two years ago. And on top of that I feel really lonely and isolated. So yeah, things are not really going that great. I'm trying to stay positive, to tell myself things will get better, that I will meet new people, but it's hard. I hate being alone and being lonely. And I do have friends and and all, but those that I have are mostly scattered across the state and far away. So yeah, that's what been going on in my life the past couple of weeks. (19 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007
10:03 pm	Well, yesterday was fun. I drove for 11 hours from Charlotte, North Carolina to Ft.Lauderdale, Florida. The last two hours were through a tropical storm. Oh, and did I mention the time change is still affecting me, so it was like driving at 4 am? So, sleep-deprived, at night, in a storm, and for a while I was even on my cell phone (to help keep me awake). Frankly, I'm amazed that I didn't end up driving off the road at some point. At least NPR, cell phone calls, and the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy on CD kept me awake. I'm gonna go to bed now, even though it's only 10 PM. Alex tired. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
5:59 pm	The past couple of days have been intense. Italy has been slow going and all, but a few of the places my dad and I visited were amazing. I've been walking on mountaintops, viewing an ocean 25 miles distant as the whole country is splayed about before me. The wind was cold and strong up there, in a land far, far away from where you and I normally walk. The paved roads ended, then so did the hard-packed trails, and all that was left were mule and sheep runs, paths that have exiested for a millenia. Up there, herders still follow a way of life almost unchanged, frozen in time; there are stone huts up there that are still used today, and were used when the stars in the sky were diferent. I went to a cemetary for Canadian soldigets who died fighting Nazis in Italy; the Gustav line went right through this region and there were thossands who died here trying to push the Germans back, or more liekly to divert their troops away from France so that the Normandy invasion would be a sucess. It was a gray, rainy day - appropriate. A house stood nearby, leering over a ravine. About 60 years ago the place was forified with machine guns and barbed wire. 700 canadians and british colonial troops died taking it from the enemy. You can still see the bullet holes in the plaster and the brick. I saw my grandfather. He is full of old wounds too. He's dying you know, slowly waisting away the way an apple fallen from a tree rots on the ground. Really, he died two years ago, and all that's left is the shell, the apple skin - it's all slime inside, nothing left. He can't remember my grandmother -his wife of over half a century - or my father - his son. He died two years ago. I went to a monestary, abandoned and disused for a century. These places use to be the heart of industry in a world long-forgotten; now they just dot the land as quaint curiosities. Sheltered in a vale behind it, with the trees leaning in to block the sun, was a little spark of something, something otherwordly. In this little vale, hidden from the sun and from the modern world, guarded by the trees and the monestary, was a mountain stream. It gurgled forth, hidden and magical out of the rocks. It wound its way through pools shallow and deep, through trees and stones. Meandering through the valley without haste or purpous, it stopped to jump and fall and play and dance with the earth beneath it. Splitting into streams that ran away and said hello to one another - it was quiet tranquility. The type of place where you would not be entierly suprised to find a hobbit gardening or a fairy twirling under a waterfall. There were niches along one face of the stone, where long ago monks and hermits sat and contemplated, sat and dreamed, sat and died. I wonder if they ever saw a fairy dancing here. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 28th, 2007
5:18 pm	Well, I've been in Italy for a few days now. It's boring here. Not much going on, and lots of time to brood and ruminate. I suppose that's a good thing, as I still have lots of thinking to do, but I'd rather be doing it back at home where I can start acting on my decisions. Plus, my dad is rather annoying. I can deal with him in small doses, but too much drives me crazy. Here in Italy, I can't do anything for myself or by myself, and besides, there is little to do here in Orsogna anyway. I'm champing at the bit to head back to the states. Not that the trip back will be very fun, as its a looooong way. Here's the itiniary: Wednesday 9 AM - drive from Orsogna to Ancona Wednesday 1 PM - Fly to Munica Wednesday 6 PM - fly to Dresden Wednesday 7 PM - Arrive in Dresden, hang out with people, spend the night Thursday 7 AM - Fly to Frankfurt Thursday noon - fly to Charlotte Thursday 3:30 PM (9:30 German Time) - Arrive in Charlotte Thursday evening - sleep in Charlotte Friday morning - drive to Ft.Lauderdale Friday night - arrive in Ft.lauderdale Friday Night - Die of exhaution Busy, no? (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
9:15 pm	Well, the past three weeks have been pretty crazy. Dresden, Berlin, and the whole Beyond Borders experience was amazing. I had a great time, a ton of fun, and realy felt that I learned a lot about both German cuture and about myself. This trip knocked me out of my reguar daily life and changed everything up. Becuse of that, I had the oppertunity to, well, critically examine myself. I don't know if I like what I saw. Frankly, I think that I am very unhappy with myelf in a lot of ways. I feel that I could be doing so much more with myself, but because I am scared and lazy I don't try to acomplish anything because I am afraid of failure. I think I am a very creative person, but I don't have any outlet for my creativity, again due to laziness and fear. I spend so much time each day just wasteing away the hours, filling up the time with pointless things that have no meaning and no purpous, and don't enrich me or even really bring my happiness. This needs to change; this has to change. One thing that overshadows everything else is my apperance. I know people don't really talk about it, they don't ever mention anything about it to me, but I know that I don't look right. My body is...warped and twisted - I look like an old man. And I hate this. It just drains away every single ounce of self-confidience that I can muster. I'm sure some of you will want to try and tell me that it's not that bad, that you can barely notice anything, that I am being too hard on myself. But that's just not true, and no matter what you say I can't hear it, it just does not penetrate. I hate how I look; I think I am a monster. But, I can change this - not how I think, but how I look. When I get back to the States I am going to make an apointment and see a doctor about this. And I am going to do what it takes, and pay the price, so that I can look and feel like a normal human being. Because I am tried of feeling this way. But thats not the end of it. I need to gain some weight, and I need to work out. This is not just for vanity's sake, but for health and everything else that goes along with it. I really enjoy hiking, but I always make exscuses to stop myself from doing it. I want to start taking a martial arts class of some sort and develop better flexibility, ballance, etc. But I also want to exerscise my mind as well. I know I am a creative person, hell, sometimes I feel like I am a poet but I refuse to try and act on these impulses. I refuse to give physical form to the emotions and thoughts in my head, for to give them permanence means that they can be mocked, and it means I can fail. I want to create things, not just criticise and tear down the works of others. I want to put these ideas and emotions onto paper, to express them and share them. Not only with my mind though, I also want to create with my hands, but again, I always stop myself from furfilling these desires. I know I am a smart guy, but I'm only coasting. With my freindships, I'm just coasting along on the momentum from New College. With my skills and occupations, I just coast along on my intelligence without putting any effort into it. Because if I try, it means that I care, and if I care and I fail, that makes me a failure. So I don't care, and I don't try. And instead I end up feeling alone, bored, and sad. I know it sounds nerdy, but I think chainmail is really cool, and two years ago I bought a litle chainmail starter kit; I used it for all of 15 minutes and then put it away. Why? Because I was lazy, because I didn't want to try; because I didn't want to have to push myself to learn, as when you start something you are bad at it, and I didn' want to feel stupid. Well, I feel pretty stupid right now. I want to learn how to play a musical instrumet. Something simple for now, maybe just the penny whistle or something, but I need to do this. I need to develop myself as a person, rather than just coast along. Right now I am in Italy. I will be for the next week or so. When I get back to the states I am going to see a doctor, I am going to start working out, I am going to start writing poetry, I am going to start learning how to play a mustical instrument, I am going to start making chainmail, I am going to start going to a marital arts class. I am going to try and live. Because right now all I am doing is slowly dying. And it has to change. (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, May 7th, 2007
5:56 pm	hey everybody. i,m in germany. can,t talk long, this computer chargess by the minute. send me your physicall addressed to my e-mail address or post them here so that i can send you guys post cards (resend me yours Gina, i lost the old info). ok, have to run, things here are going great, but are very hectic. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
11:44 pm	So, tomorrow (or perhaps today depending on how long it takes me to post this update) I leave for Germany. It's gonna be a hell of a trip. I will have my cell phone with me, but don't give me a call unless its an emergency, as it's ridiculously expensive. Feel free to send me e-mails though (alex . my last name @ gmail.com). and I will try and respond as best I can, though I don't know ow much computer access I will have. I've been staying at my sister's house the past few days. It's nice up here in North Carolina, though things are a little slow going. Still, the weather is beautiful, and her house is massive. It's amazing how much more house you can get for your money outside of Florida. I've still been thinking about Story a lot as well. I even dreamed about her the past few nights - it was odd, to say the least. I wonder if things would have turned out differently had I gone to Fetish Ball. I saw some pictures from it, and it looked really fun and amazing, I really wish I had been there. Oh well. I feel Janus-faced right now, as I look back on the past months with sadness and happiness, with guilt and with anger. All the "what ifs?" keep running through my head. I've been thinking about what everyone has told me, what Story has told me, digging through my memories searching for explanations, causes and effects. Part of me wants to blame her for what happened, part of me wants to blame myself, and a third simply curses fate itself. We both made mistakes, yes, that's true. Still, it hurts to see all of those dreams, those castles in the sky lying broken, in pieces on the ground. Were those dreams just sandcastles, to be washed away by morning tide? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 30th, 2007
10:45 am	Today I am back in Tallahassee, though only for a short while. After I write this I am going to pack up everything in my apartment into my car, and then drive 8 hours to my sister's house in South Carolina. I will visit her for a few days, and then leave for Germany and Italy on Thursday. Busy busy. This weekend I visited Sarasota again. I stayed with Dave and Maggie and got to hang out a whole bunch and have some fun. Maggie got really nifty dog, and that occupied much of our time. Her name is Evyr (or something like that, I can't spell anything in Gaelic or Celtic, I'm sure it has a few extra Ws and LLs somewhere in there). She's cute and cuddly and fun and happy, and it looks like things will work out nicely. I also got to talk with Story in person. It went...as best as could be expected I suppose. We didn't yell or call each other names or try to hurt one another. I still don't entirely understand why she made the decision that she did, but I do understand it better now. It helped, and it still hurts, but it will fade in time. Somehow communication between us broke down and that soured everything. Perhaps we are simply too different to be able to be in a stable relationship with one another. We are going to try and be friends still, and I hope that works out. I want to thank all of my friends in helping me through this difficult time. Your support has really, really, helped me deal with everything that's been going on. I know that if you guys had not done so, I would be a hell of a lot more messed up right now. So, thank you for talking with me, and taking the time to help me, letting my vent and rage, and all of that stuff. I owe you all one. Well, I have to get going, I've have a ton of stuff to do before the day is out. (Comment on this)